2.5hours of Swiss Prime Time TV...

I've mentioned the state of TV in this part of the world on a few occasions, but the spectacle to which we were treated (or subjected) recently cannot pass without mention.

What may be most remarkable about it was that - to the Saturday night viewing audience in this alpine part of the world - it is completely unremarkable. Prime time Saturday night scheduling on the main German-speaking Swiss channel is often devoted to two and a half hours of 'traditional' Germanic entertainment.

By 'traditional', I mean lots of lederhosen-clad men with twirly moustaches, women with cleavage-enhancing 'dirndeln', lots of 'schunkeln' (swaying from side to side, ideally with arms linked to the people either side of you) and plenty of hand clapping in time to waltz-tempo music. Indeed, I'm sure it must be possible to identify people from Bavaria, Austria and German-speaking Switzerland purely from the ruddy-red palms of their over-clapped hands. Here's a short video to indicate the scale of what I mean:

Then there's the show's host, with his sparkling grin, crash-helmet hairstyle and a penchant for breaking into song himself. Just look at him:
One aspect of the show pits three acts - one from Germany, one from Austria and one from Switzerland - against each other for the votes of the viewing public. These acts tend to feature wholesome youths from small alpine communities singing sentimental songs in tribute to their family or hometown.

In one intro piece, Désiree, a musician from a small village near to the borders of Austria, Switzerland and Liechtenstein declared innocently that, "I mostly play with my father". So, not an explicit mention of him also keeping her in the cellar, but I don't think I'm the only one who had suspicions.

The host then made a big fuss about introducing a 'British star' with a career spanning over 40 years. Of course, I feared the worst, expecting Cliff Richard to be wheeled out to croon to the assembled teutonic mass. After all, his hairstyle would have fitted right in. But no, the 'star' in question was none other than Roger Whittaker. Yes, that's right - Roger Whittaker.


No, I had never heard of him either. His Wikipedia entry reads "Roger Whittaker (born March 22, 1936) is an Anglo-Kenyan singer-songwriter and musician with worldwide record sales of over 55 million. His music can be described as easy listening. He is best known for his baritone singing voice and trademark whistling ability." In my opinion, his music can otherwise be described as 'shite' and I was not at all surprised to read that one of his songs was entered into the Eurovision song contest - as good an indicator of shite as a blocked public toilet.

Caroline had heard of Roger Whittaker, on account of him being a regular on German TV 15 years ago. This also says a lot about how slow things are to move on in this part of the world. So, Roger Whittaker is a bit like a British David Hasselhoff ...but without the early career as a TV hero with a cool car to 1980s kids, and a TV hero with voluptuous breasted co-stars to 1990s teenage boys.

Now 74, Roger sang his latest offering, 'Shannon River Lady' which was truly an offence upon the ear-drums, and that's without mentioning Roger's cheeky winks to the camera. But for all of my ridiculing of him, he does have record sales of 55 million to his name... So I guess he has the last laugh.

The rest of the programme (it's oh-too-easy to get sucked in) was filled with songs dedicated to 'papa', and about 'heimat' (like homeland, but basically an ode to how good it is to be from where you call 'home') and a little ditty praising the Berner Oberland. You get the picture; pretty much a celebration of being seriously conservative, something which if I'm honest, does have its mildly endearing (but also slightly disturbing) qualities - kind of like Boris Johnson. But, same as for Boris, I don't think it's right that they should get any public attention, and certainly not on prime time TV on a Saturday.

Here's one last clip, same hand-clappingly predictable tempo as every other song. You can clap and swing along if you like... Oh, and look out for the quality hairstyle at the end!